Unstable

There is only one word can describe my feeling now...
>> UnSTABLE <<

Ever since I graduated from The One Academy I was so free until now...
Actually, this is what I hope when I was still studying my course, Advertising & Graphic Design.
That's a quite a tough course. I had been stressed and it was a terrible nightmare for me to study there
but there still  have a lot of happy and unforgettable moment during these 3 years.
I was spend my time there from 18-20 year old.. I know that's a lot of things happened on me
in this 3 years which helped me to grow up faster.

I quite enjoy this kind of busy & stressful life like I have to worried about what I have not yet to do
or did I miss out anything? or forget anything? everyday..
bcoz it is kinda like forcing me to grow up, forcing me to be responsible.. etc
But I don't know ever since when, I start to fight with myself. I don't follow what I wanted to do
just keep on slacking everyday when I'm having my last semester.
It's a cold war. I was afraid it would never end...
Until now ... slacking everyday not even done writing or preparing any CV, portfolio...
I was wondering what am I thinking now?
I don't know what I want or feeling lost?
Am I lost?
Seriously, this is not what I will do in the past...
Why making me feel the older I grew the terrible attitute I had?

I found that there's not really much of grateful moment I share with my readers here recently...
I have no readers too...
but who cares...
may be I should share something memorable here like my 21st birthday?
hmm....
feeling lonely now...

曾经的拥有是不曾拥有

曾经听说，
人越是成长，
伴随着我们的梦想就会因成长时遇到的挫折慢慢地给歼灭。


曾经听说，
最有创意思想的年代，是高中那时期。
我想着想着，也对。
从前，我写作文都不用构思，就直接写了，成绩也还算不错。


曾经看过，
《面包树出走了》里面写到...
有一天，当我年老，有人问我，人生的哪一段时光最快乐，
也许，我会毫不犹豫的说，是十多岁的时候。
那个时候，爱情还没来到，日子是无忧无虑的；
最痛苦的，也不过是测验和考试。
当时觉得很大压力，后来回望，不过是那么微小。


曾经觉得，
那些伤害过我的，让我伤心的，
我要也让他们承受这种滋味，
后来想想，没了他们，也没有今天独立，会为别人着想的我。


曾经想要，
回到那无忧无虑的时期，做回那个自己，但
那时却没想到，其实我一直都没变，变的是
周围的环境罢了。


曾经我放弃过自己，
自杀是需要很多勇气，或者不去想自杀后所带来的痛苦就直接去做。
多亏我的想太多，才没作出那么傻的行为。
因为这会让我失去更多。


我知道，
我们都在时光里跌跌撞撞的成长，然后一点点离开最初的模样


但我却，


不想长大，
我还要顽固地留在这时代，顽固地不想长大地长大。


但，


我只能向前走，
因为时间是洪水，是大浪。
它不会给我回头的机会。


金钱交易是一个永远不会结束的游戏，
我们用时间赚金钱，但却用金钱买不到


一秒钟的时间。

2014年
明洁。